Soft Push on the Back

 

Do you know or remember the song Just Once by James Ingram? It’s not really my favorite song, but the first line of the song just give me the feels.

I did my best, but I guess my best wasn’t good enough.

If you will limit your understanding of the song to just a love song, then you won’t really see the deeper meaning to it, most especially if you’re someone who’s having difficulty about achieving your goals or dreams.

Poetic of me? Kinda. Dramatic of me? Maybe.

Actually, I set aside all the important things I should be doing right now. I’ve decided to because I can’t work feeling burdened; feeling heavy. I need to load off in order for me to work faster.

Let me tell you my story on how I got into this position.

Honestly speaking, I was that person who does things halfheartedly. May this be small things, like doing daily exercises or daily journals, to big things, like being involve with extra-curricular activities or tasked to write a news article. Now that I remember it, I haven’t really finished something that I can brag about. Not actually to even finish a goddamn poem unless it’s for class and I’m under time pressure. I was a loafer in an informal term.

My younger self prefers procrastinating a lot– just watch TV series or just read comic books or novels–  than do things like running around and deal with stressing things. My younger self would probably set aside her homework to pirate the latest songs on Billboard or stalk her crushes’ profile on Facebook or Twitter. My younger self would probably make an excuse that she is actually patient– patient in waiting for that new movie on YouTube to load if WiFi is bloody slow. My younger self is actually nothing but a free loader and problem builder in the house.

Yes, I was that useless. Yes, I was that irresponsible. And I got what I deserve.

I got demoted from my position in my varsity, though my adviser still considered my seniority; I got grades that was really disappointing; I got more bullies because of my sloppy look and poor interpersonal skills; I got close friends who just became acquaintances.

I asked myself what happened wrong– blamed the people, the scenario, the life I had– never really asking what efforts did I do in order to get what I want? I blamed myself for being born the way I am. I tried to change, but it seems like I only became a laughing-stock. I tried to be more authoritative by joining the CAT in order to gain respect, but only made people notice my feckless personality.

One day, I suddenly asked myself a question: what is my purpose in this world? If you will analyze me, I have no established talent, no high IQ, no overwhelming wealth. I practically have nothing.

Here are the tweets I posted to remind myself about the great responsibility that came after I accepted the opportunities that came to me. Pardon for my punctuation, I was really emotional when I was writing it.

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36th Manila International Book Fair

I went to the SMX Convention this noon to buy new books for my collection. I actually spent my 2 weeks allowance just to buy these magnificent works.

One might think that it was not a practical action to do this kind of absurd thing– that I forsaken my meals and necessities, since I live in the dorm. However, this kind of thing is not preposterous to me. One who does not appreciate literature wouldn’t understand.

I love the smell of books in the morning. The texture of the paper every time I  turn the pages give me absolute satisfaction. The words craved on the book leaves feed me. No one wouldn’t understand unless they feel the same way. No one would.

Hopefully, the next time I will go to this book fair, I would be with someone who feels the same way.

Oxygen Dust

Discern my shadow from thy cimmerian atrocious vow.

Quest for my trace;

Be desperate like I’ll vanish in the haze.

Need me, desire me,

Realise how you can’t breath without me.

And when you finally fathomed the copious reasons behind these melancholic eyes,

Call my name and apologise.

By then, I’ll appear to you refurbished, usual, and with a sympathetic guise.